How do you handle conflict with partners, colleagues or clients? Here are two objectives: First, resolve the conflict in a way that’s acceptable to you and, second, maintain the valued relationship. Your aim is a win-win agreement.
Most conflict resolution techniques are adversarial. You’re advised to listen to understand your partner’s position but also to be assertive, to be clear and definite about your needs. However, this approach can create a win-lose outcome, which can undermine valued relationships. It’s reasonable to be assertive when you’re in conflict with people who are less important in your life and work but, even here, an engaging approach could help you achieve a positive resolution.
To achieve a mutually acceptable outcome, use an engaging style consisting of ‘What do you want?’ and ‘What do you think?’ questions. Secondly, show how much you value this partnership. Doing so helps to make partners feel that you are not simply in it for yourself, that you want to maintain an important relationship. Saying how much you value a partnership does not weaken your position. In fact, it can strengthen it because it shows your willingness to work together for the long-term. Asking engaging questions goes beyond simply listening actively. By being engaging, you’re showing deeper interest in both what your partner really wants and also what they think might be the best way forward.
Suppose you are working with partners on a major project and you have a difference of opinion on the best strategy to pursue. You might reassure your partners that if they can convince you that their strategy would work better to achieve your shared objective, you would be prepared to accept it. This statement helps you to maintain trust with your partners, showing that you respect their needs and views and are only interested in the best strategy, not in simply winning an argument.
Sample Positive Statements
- You are an important partner for us (me). I think we can achieve so much more together than alone.
- I want to make every effort to find a solution to our disagreement that is OK for both of us.
- I’m confident we can work together to find a mutually satisfactory solution to this issue.
- I want to understand your position in depth and why it is so important to you.
Engaging Questions (‘What do you want?’)
- What are your goals, priorities, values and interests?
- What is your objective in choosing this strategy?
- What do you see as the main advantages of your strategy?
- Why is this strategy important to you? What other things does it achieve for you?
- Which of your goals or priorities are supported by this strategy?
- What are the key features of your strategy that are most important to you?
- What downsides or risks do you see to your strategy?
- What optional strategies would be acceptable to you?
- What aspects of your strategy are less important?
Bear in mind that it’s human nature to see only the benefits of things we want to do and, equally, to see only the negatives of things we don’t like. Yes, this is one-sided and biased but that’s one of the emotional aspects of how we think. If your partner is reluctant to state negatives, you might say: ‘Let’s both list as many downsides of our preferred strategies as possible so we can be as objective as we can in choosing the best one. This will help us avoid the bias of seeing only the positives of our own strategies.’
Asking ‘What do you want?’ questions shows that you are interested in understanding what is important to your partners. Otherwise, they may feel that you only want them to accept your needs and ideas.
Further Engaging Questions (What do you think?’)
- What do you think are (see as) our shared values and goals?
- What do you see as the main benefits of our strategy?
- What do you think are the main limitations of our strategy?
- What do you think we could do to overcome these limitations?
- What do you think would be a compromise we could both accept?
- What do you think are some optional ways we could achieve the same ends?
- What do you think would be the main impacts of our strategies on our beneficiaries?
- How do you think our other partners would respond to either of our strategies?
Asking ‘What do you think?’ demonstrates to partners that you respect their ideas and that you want to develop a shared solution to your disagreement.
Presenting Your Preferred Option
In most conflict situations, it’s natural for both sides to present their preferred option immediately. Being too quick to state your bottom line can create a no-win stalemate. A critical advantage of an engaging approach is that you show your readiness to listen and to respect your partner’s needs and suggestions. You also demonstrate that the relationship with this partner is important to you.
When you have used engaging questions effectively, you might still be a little way apart although closer together in your positions than you were initially. You could, at this stage, present your own ideas for ways of resolving the conflict. To maintain an engaging approach, pose your suggestions as engaging questions, such as:
- How do you think X would work?
- How do you think X would help you meet your main objectives?
- What are some modifications of X that you could accept?
- If you don’t think that X would work, how about Y?
Even using effective engaging questions might still not get you to an agreed resolution. You could then use a different negotiating tactic:
- If we accept your strategy in this part of our project, how would you feel about going along with our strategy in a later phase of the project?
- Alternatively, what could we do for you if you accepted our strategy in this phase of our project?
The key point is that engaging questions are more likely to foster shared ownership than is a more argumentative approach where you are being assertive about the importance of your needs and your views. No conflict resolution style can guarantee success but an engaging approach at least has a greater chance of helping you to maintain an important relationship.